I've always been big, even when I was a kid I was "Husky" Being in a family of five kids if you didn't get your share you didn't eat and junk food was just easier to keep around. It was our economic situation. My dad was the only bread winner and my mother was the one doing all the household stuff like shopping. She was a diabetic but with Three then four, then five kids to feed her own diet took a back side to us. She'd cook huge meals because she had a whole army to feed and since we weren't even really middle class we ate as much as wouild fill us. We were active kids, we played but I look back on it and it just wasn't enough especially when that first Atari 2600 came in the house. We stopped playing for the most part. Especially after the move from Drums,Pa to Long Pond. I no longer had a circle of friends to hang out with and losing every friend I had in the world at the age of six really affected me in a sociological way. This is where someone else who is angry would blame his parents, but I never saw them as the problem. They gave me nothing but support. My mom would be there to talk to me and help me out and my dad did his best to be there when he could. Plays, Concerts. The things I was doing they always made time for. I guess part of my problem with my weight came from a problem I had when I was nine. I ended up with a tapeworm and just kept eating. I never had energy and I just kept eating. Finally I passed the tapeworm, but the eating habit stuck with me. I ate and ate. I ate till I was full. I ate large amounts to make me feel better. Yeah I was a depression eater. I was one of the kids who was bulliied in school and I took out my frustrations on myself by eating to feel good.

Those habits continued on into my teens and twenties. Except it wasn't just food, it was Alcohol too. Beer became a constant social companion. I say that, because I don't really keep beer around the house. I might do this because my oldest brother is an Alcoholic and if I have to travel to get the alcohol I might just not even bother. Well as I got into the world of Food Service it became easier to go out after a shift with friends and co-workers and get a bit wasted. Now I've been lucky, I've never been sited for a DUI. I've only drove drunk twice. Once when I first started drinking and once when I was trying to impress this girl I wanted to date (She like driving fast, had I not been speeding the cops wouldn't have pulled me over) Both times I got away very lucky cause I got home safe the first time (Not knowing how) and I blew lower than the legal limit and had to have someone come get me from home. (Still living with the parents at that time)

What I've found is that If I don't keep the bad food around it's a lot like the alcohol. I don't want it if it's not there. It's hard in my line of work to eat healthy. You have 1000 calorie meals right there ready to be bought at a discount that are done with time for you to eat them and get back to work, and on those days that you can't get a break to eat you don't. I found recently that this two messes up your metabolism. I am a lot lighter now than I was a few years ago. At one time I was about 350lbs. I am somewhere around 320 right now, that's 30 lbs less, When I was dropping weight I was working two jobs at two different restaurants pulling a sixty hour week. The last year and a half I've been down to just the one job. The weight's coming back, I don't like it, I refuse to be that big. I refuse to develop diabetes which plauges my family. I refuse to lose a toe because I got an infection like my brother did. I REFUSE TO LET MY HEART FAIL ME ONE DAY and miss seeing my beautiful Granddaughter grow up. So I've started a war.

Why do I say a War. well because I'm fighting for my life here. This isn't me doing something to follow some trend. I see myself in the mirror and while I LOVE the me I am on the inside. I want the Outside to look as good as the person I know I am on the inside. I want to be around another 30-40 years. I want to turn girls heads who once knew me and make them wonder what happened to the fat Merrill who they picked on years ago. I want to be able to work faster and longer to keep money coming in to maybe get a better job so Bree doesn't have to work. I want a life that is more than Cheetos and Twinkies.

The battle has started. Everyday on every front. I want to be a better me, not a different me. I want as I said before the Outside to reflect the beautiful person I am on the inside. The kind, funny, sweet, smartassed, pain in the rear, bunghole to work with that I am. Why? Because I want it. I NEED to change, because if I don't change now I'm afraid my dad might someday be putting me in a box and he already had to bury one child who never made it home from the hospital. He should never have to do that again.

The battle has begun, I will not go out without a fight.

I feel better, my back doesn't hurt as much I don't feel tired as quickly and I just have fun.