Jessica

Female

23

Dec, 2005

Every problem has a starting point, right? I mean, it may not develop all at once... and it could potentially take a few years before we notice a certain problem. I would say in my case, we may be talking about a case of nature VS. nurture. My mother was and still is a compulsive fad dieter, she is obsessed with the quick fix and the easy way out of things (carb blockers, coffee and cigarette diet, nurtisystem; you name it, she's done it. My mother was always so critical of herself when I was growing up, which I assume rubbed off on me. When I was 13 years old, I first discovered cellulite. I felt it on my lower butt cheeks, toward my outer hips when I clenched my butt tight. I was horrified! This is the same year that my mom told me I had cellulite on my sides, near my ribs (or serratus anterior for the Anatomically savvy), I was MORTIFIED! How could she tell me this!? How could I have this? Then she proceeded to say, "You better be careful, Jess." This led to me eating in secret, in the dark, in the pantry as often as possible. Now, fast forward just a few years and I'm a high school All American athlete. The head coach of the Nazareth Academy volleyball team called me into his office and told me to lose 20lbs. He said, "If you want a starting spot on varsity next season, it would be in your best interest." I took what he said and simply pushed it waaaaay back into my memory and just acted as if it never happened and I didn't attempt to change my weight. I somehow ballooned up to 184 lbs during this time, I was 16 years old. It was also during this time that my grandfather told me I was gaining too much weight and that I needed to watch what I was eating. Every night for 3 years I would stare at myself in the mirror just before bed. I would just sit, stare, poke, grab, criticize, and experienced feelings of disgust along with guilt. I became obsessed with the number on the scale; I let it define who I was. I think I weighed myself 3-4 times a day, every single day. I remember at a doctor visit thinking I was "supposed" to weigh 185 lbs. I felt that it was my adult default number that I heard people talking about. I was also in size denial. Anyone that knows me knows that BEBE is my all time favorite store; it's my mecca! Well, I was no longer to fit into ANY of their pants and MOST of their tops were too small on me. I was convinced that they were altering their sizes and I became FURIOUS! I mean, how sad is it that I was blaming the store instead of taking responsibility for the damage I did to my body, for neglecting its nutritional needs. Looking back, I heard opposing teams call me a fat a$$, I have heard my dad's mom tell me I needed to lose weight, my aunts tell me, my mother, my sisters, my brother... and at my high school graduation party, my Grandma told me it was time that I did something about my weight. In ONE sitting I would eat 4 whole pancakes, 2 packs of Ramen noodles, a WHOLE pizza, a Wendy's Big Bacon Classic with a Biggie fry and a large pop, 3 nacho cheese chalupa's, and the list goes on and on..... and these were everyday occurrances. Looking back, I am disgusted and sad. I would eat these things alone and as fast as I possibly could. I would hide in my pantry and stuff any cookie or twinkie down my throat until I heard soemone coming into the kitchen. I was hurting inside and felt alone and these were the only moments where I felt in control. I remember not even being able to cross my legs like a lady because I was too fat. I blamed this on my "short legs." It's funny and it's true, but it's also sad and ridiculous! I am now fully able to cross my legs, lol. During the summer I would rather die from heat stroke than wear shorts or my bikini bottoms. I always wore jeans or pants to go out and I wore gym shorts with my bikini bottoms to go swimming. I felt this was necessary to reflect on because some of these episodes still come up. I also felt this was necessary to inspire those who feel like they don't have control over their lives, or are even in the same position I was in just a few short years ago. I want to give hope that no matter what, you are not a computer, you do not have default settings. Yes, biology and genes play a HUGE role in the way we look... but don't settle for less than your best. That doesn't mean go out and strive to look like Kate Moss... it means, find out who you really are, on the inside, and match that with the outside. You deserve it :)